fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Randomize
