My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
