I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize