You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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