You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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