im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
