I just cut my nipple shaving
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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