Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You made out with two different species that night
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
