my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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