my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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