I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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