fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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