I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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