I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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