the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
