my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
