that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
