i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
