Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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