What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize