Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
