you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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