she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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