Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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