so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
