Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
