[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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