peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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