So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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