is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
