My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
