Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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