I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
