Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
