I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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