it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize