I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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