i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
