I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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