I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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