I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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