Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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