I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
