White coat. Heels.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
