someone threw a dead crab at me
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
