im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize