Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
