Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
