You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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