I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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