All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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