A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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