i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
