my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Randomize
