i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
