True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
