I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
