Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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