I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
