just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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