Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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