I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
