I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
