Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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