That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
How's work?
Spinning.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
